Dogma (Kevin Smith speaks! And speaks!)

So, last Tuesday I saw Dogma at Bloor Cinema in downtown Toronto. I rolled up 30 minutes early and the lineup was already snaked around the block. Kevin Smith's true believers were out in droves for the chance to see his films on the big screen and participate in the post-film Q & A with the director himself. Oh, and the event was licensed - score!

I immediately started annihilating beers once I'd snagged some seats near the back of the theatre, but very close to the makeshift bar. These beers helped immensely when watching the movie. The crowd was loving it, cheering loudly when fan favourites like George Carlin and Jason Mewes first appeared onscreen. I must admit that the experience of drinking beers in the theatre with a wildly enthusiastic crowd was pretty great; I'll definitely be attending more of these events. Sidenote: Edgar Wright is presenting a double-bill of Shaun of The Dead and Hot Fuzz on February 28 at Bloor Cinema, and it sounds amazing.

Dogma itself was pretty much how I remembered it since I last saw it ten years ago. A little draggy, a lot preachy, with some great moments from Mewes as Jay and some not so great moments from the rest of cast. Really amateurish as well.

Apparently Linda Fiorentino, who played the lead, hated making this movie and really fucking hated Smith. Of course, this was exactly the type of question I wanted to ask. What I failed to realize was that 20-minutes before the end of the movie, people started to queue up at the microphone in anticipation for Smith's appearance. Of course, I was five beers deep at this point and was very slow to the draw. What I got for my flippant attitude was a barrage of some of the most idiotic questions ever. In grade school, teachers often say, "There are no stupid questions." They are wrong.

Allow me to paraphrase some of the gems fired off at Smith:

"Uhhhhh, I'm a weed virgin. I've never smoked it. Will you smoke weed with me, Kevin?"

"So when you're chillin' at home, watched the Tampa Bay Lightning, how do you smoke? Do you use a.... uhhhhh... vaporizer? Or a huge bong?"

Smith handled the questions with aplomb and grace, and basically told awesome, hilarious anecdotes that often had nothing to do with the questions asked. He was really engaging, self-effacing and totally candid. He immediately copped to the problems of Dogma, like the way that most of the action happened off-screen while he showed various character's reaction shots. He also talked about how Dogma was written when he was 21, before he'd even started on Clerks.

One woman asked him about a scene from one of his films where a character paints his girlfriend's toenails, and whether or not Smith had actually done this. He replied that he hadn't, and it was simply what his 21-year-old mind thought girls might find romantic. Smith then proceeded to tell a story about how he had recently groomed his wife's nether regions, and had been very ginger and professional during the whole process. Afterwards, he illustrated how he dived into his handiwork face-first by violently nuzzling the microphone. This got huge laughs from the crowd, as his wife, who was side-stage, sank backwards into a doorway. She was a good sport though, and must be used to Smith's revelations about their private life by now.

Another gentleman then told Smith that, "You give hope to us big guys Kevin. Your wife is hot."

My portly fellow film fan failed to pick up on that fact that Smith snagged his wife through his white-hot wit and gift of gab, not his giant man-tits and abundance of flab. No matter though, have hope my friend! Hookers don't care what you look like!

I must admit, the Q & A was really fun. Kevin Smith can speak, that's for sure. He got cut off by the moderator, as Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back was screening next, but I get the feeling that Smith would have spent all night answering fan's questions if he could. For this, I applaud the man. If you're sick of his movies, by all means check out An Evening With Kevin Smith part one or two. The DVD's are around 4 hours each, and consist solely of Kevin Smith speaking to a crowd. However, at no point will you be bored.

So, I didn't get to ask Kevin about his upcoming feature Red State, or whether we'd ever see a Clerks III (let's hope not). I did, however, get to see the loquacious motherfucker in his element. One thing's for sure, if his film career ever dries up he'll have a great second career as a public speaker. Let's hope that the man is willing to take a few more chances in the future, and make some good movies that he can talk about for years.

With love-stained hands, I wave to you adieu.
Filmspurt.